A Matter of Facts

 

If you are lucky enough and infertility isn’t something you have had to deal with personally then it can be a difficult thing to fully understand with regards to the process and the emotions involved. I have lots of friends and family who have done their best to understand my journey and who have tried to inform themselves through asking questions or reading up on things to be as supportive as they can and for this I will be eternally grateful. I wanted to take this opportunity to list 5 facts that some of my infertile friends will no doubt connect with and as a kind of “heads up” to those who have family or friends going through this. Who knows, maybe it will help you to have a better understanding of what they are talking about, what to say or not to say or maybe you already know all of this and I’m just preaching to the converted!!

1). We don’t hate people who are pregnant so please don’t be scared to tell us if it’s you or mention someone who is! Yes it’s true, we may be envious and we may wish with every aching bone in our body that we were too, but we’re not and we are handling that the best we can. Yes we may feel sad about it, but we aren’t sad that you are being given a precious gift and it’s not that you don’t deserve it, we are just sad that we don’t know if it will ever be us one day. Telling us about how you feel and how you found out and what you did and who you told….actually gives us hope and makes us excited about the prospect of experiencing that one day for ourselves. So long as you are aware and sensitive to the mixed emotions we may feel and you know that it is not personal and that we are not not happy for you, then please let us be part of your journey – we are mamma’s without a baby and will probably be one of your best supports and more interested than you can imagine – we have been so ready for so long and have no doubt researched everything about pregnancy till it’s coming out of our ears. In fact, our pregnant friends bring us comfort and understanding in a way that others cannot – so long as you are not complaining about how lucky we are not to be pregnant – only then do we hate pregnant people!

2) We have learned to speak another language! Seriously, it’s true my infertile friends will understand the following – the rest of you will more than likely not!

A typical thread on a support group for infertility or for info on a treatment you are undergoing:
“So thats us been TTC now for what seems like forever! We are currently on CD9 and my CM has def changed (sorry for TMI) so I think something is happening – me and DH will BD between now and CD15 and then on 21DPO I will schedule blood work. Hopefully it will show O and then we can start the TWW, I really hope AF stays away and I can take a HPT and we finally get our BFP – don’t think I can handle another BFN! Sending you all baby dust for your BFP’s and sticky babies!”

This is a minor example and it took me some time to get the hang of the lingo – I used to get frustrated and be like, “Aaaaaaarrrgghhh I just want to know if this symptom is common or not and now I’m more confused that ever!!!” But now I understand most of it and I realise it’s almost like the abbreviations give the threads more privacy and only people who are experiencing this crappy situation have the right to understand what each other are saying. For those of you who are interested in understanding the language your infertile friend speaks I will rewrite the above statement:

“So thats us been TTC (trying to conceive) now for what seems like forever! We are currently on CD9 (cycle day – days since day one of your period) and my CM (cervical mucus!!) has def changed (sorry for TMI- too much information) so I think something is happening – me and DH (darling husband – some people say OH for other half) will BD (baby dance – have sex!) between now and CD15 (cycle day 15) and then on 21DPO (21 days past ovulation – ovulation happens approx CD11) I will schedule blood work. Hopefully it I’ll show O (ovulation) and then we can start the TWW (two week wait – the time you have to wait before taking a pregnancy test), I really hope AF (Aunt Flow – your period) stays away and I can take a HPT (home pregnancy test) and we finally get our BFP (Big fat positive) – don’t think I can handle another BFN! (Big fat negative). Sending you all baby dust for your BFP’s and sticky babies!” – A sticky baby refers to the challenge of once getting pregnant – managing to hold on to the pregnancy by praying that the embryo you have had all the trouble creating actually burrows in and sticks!

3). Being around babies or things to do with babies doesn’t upset us! This is very much like fact 1 where sometimes we can have mixed emotions based solely on where we are on our personal emotional roller-coasters but if you make it ok for us to tell you that then that’s all we need! In fact being around babies makes us more determined to keep on fighting for what we want, it reminds us of the end goal! That may sound strange but some of us have been doing this for so long and had to endure months or years of weight loss, diet change, new fangled exercise classes, failed treatment cycles, mood swings, disappointment and heartache that sometimes you lose sight of the whole purpose of this because the journey gets in the way….your babies help to keep us focused and remind us how much we want to be a mummy like you! In fact, the more involved you let us be the more our confidence grows to keep fighting the fight so don’t be scared to get us changing nappies, helping with bath time or allowing us to feed and wind your babies it makes us feel like you believe in our inner mummy too. Please don’t be scared to complain about how hard it is, we don’t think that means your ungrateful or being insensitive we want to be there for you because hopefully one day when we are finally mummy’s ourselves you will be there for us too!

4). Don’t be scared to say the wrong thing or ask the wrong question coz we don’t know what we are doing either, we are still learning about it all too and you might ask something we didn’t think to ask or you may make a statement that we hadn’t yet considered. We would rather be able to discuss it and talk about how we feel than pretend it’s not on our minds. There are a few exceptions to this – the following statements/questions are never welcomed:

“Stop thinking about it and it will happen” – Annoying – we are so passed that stage and if we stop thinking about it we won’t suddenly start ovulating or cure our endometriosis or make our partners sperm better, if you don’t know the condition causing the infertility please don’t say this!

“Things happen for a reason.” – Annoying – what’s the reason???? Plenty things happen with no good reason and good people being unable to have a family that they would do anything for has no good reason….please don’t make me feel like there is a good reason for me not being able to be a mummy or making my partner a daddy. Things don’t always happen for a reason – sometimes s**t happens would be the preferred statement!!

“Maybe infertility is the bodies way of saying you weren’t meant to have babies” – Annoying, in fact this has to be the most annoying thing I have ever had said to me. So let’s clarify, does that mean that diabetic people were just not meant to have insulin in their bodies? Don’t be so ridiculous! I think that if natural selection was a factor in this condition then surely there are a lot more people in society who should be infertile before us but seem to have no issues in procreating!!

There are probably a few more statements out there, but so long as you avoid the obvious (like the above) then really we would rather be able to talk about it and even laugh about it when the mood takes us! It’s all very confusing for everyone involved the only difference is we have no choice but to learn it coz we’re living it!

5). Sometimes we lose sight of other peoples lives, but we don’t mean to. Infertility can sometimes become all encompassing particularly when you are starting a new treatment. New treatments or the next cycle of something new brings new hope, more research needed, more attention required to doing everything you can to make this be the one, new forums to check out, new cycle buddies to meet online, new statistics needing gathered, new conversations to have with your partner, new updates for your friends, new symptoms to be spotting and new days to be counting all finalised with the dreaded pregnancy test that will announce your fate at the end of it all to then – possibly – start all over again with another piece of heartache under your belt, another blow to pick yourself up from and another smile to wear on top of a trembling lip. So I would like to apologise here on my blog to anyone I have ever lost sight of during this time, I am truly sorry if my journey has ever caused me to be self involved and not give you the attention you have deserved during your own issues. I have consciously tried to not let that be the case, but there are times where you have to jump in to this head first and just hope that you don’t sink and sometimes that means you are so focused on what day it is in your cycle or what your body should be doing now that you forget that other people have things going on too. Please still be our friends, forgive us our self focus and just shout a little louder till we hear you through our own wee bubble, we are still in there – sometimes we just get a little overwhelmed with listening to our own bodies we forget to listen to other peoples voices!

These tips are based solely on my own experiences and feelings and are not intended to be presumptuous of how other women in my shoes feel. All of our experiences and journeys are so different this is merely a guide to what I have found to be common feelings shared among friends I have made during our 3 years of treatment – but maybe no one else feels these things and it’s just little ole me!! In that case only my own family and friends reading this need to take heed!! Haha!!

Dear Future,

In October 2012 after a year of appointments and different dosages of Clomid I was referred to the Assisted Fertility Unit for further treatment. As mentioned in a previous blog the wait time between referral and appointment was a few months which felt like a few years but we waited patiently (as if we have any other choice). When we eventually got the letter through to attend the hospital in Glasgow there was criteria that had to be met including the fact that we had to have been together for more than two years. By the time we had our appointment date we had been together for over 5 years but I was slightly panicked at how we were supposed to prove this – I had images of staging photographs of our time together like the movie Green Card or practicing questions like the TV show Mr & Mrs in case there was a question and answer session at our appointment! I would find myself asking my partner ridiculous questions like what was my Grandmothers maiden name? What is my earliest memory? What was my first pet called? Just in case they came up at the appointment! For the record not one question was asked about us and our relationship at the appointment other than the cringe worthy private questions you don’t really want to share with anyone, let alone a stranger! I must also add when I am nervous I sometimes get the giggles so there have been times during these appointments where the doctor has asked a completely acceptable medical question that for some reason has caused my giggles to make a very unwelcomed appearance! I have had to shamefully ask (on two separate occasions) for this reaction not to be held against me or to be read as a sign that I am not mature enough to handle this process – I don’t mean to laugh, I don’t want to be laughing, I’m trying to stop the laughing, all the while – I’m still laughing!

The other criteria set that caused me concern was having my BMI under 35. I’m going to be brave here (braver than sharing my infertility woes) and reveal my weight as I feel other people in my position will benefit from the honesty, even though it scares me to reveal the one thing no woman ever wants to discuss. I am only 5ft 3 and have always struggled with my weight since I was in my late teens, which I now know is a symptom of my severe Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I really struggle to lose weight but I put it on incredibly easily and before my appointment my weight had been slowly creeping up as I got older. When I received my letter I weighed just under 15 stone (210 lbs) – I was ashamed of myself and had lost a lot of confidence but it was so hard to lose the weight, I always gave up when nothing was happening. My BMI was 36.5 and I needed to get it down to 35 or below and so for the first time I really got my head down and started to change everything I was doing to get the weight off before my appointment. I would love to tell you I found a miracle cure or a tablet that made that happen but unfortunately it was all calorie controlled, balanced diet and exercise. By the time I got to my appointment I had lost the weight I needed to lose for the appointment and my BMI was 35!! However, when I got to the appointment a new policy had been passed in Scotland that women were now entitled to two rounds of IVF instead of one, which is amazing news but the BMI criteria had been reduced to 30. I was devastated and pleaded with the doctor not to send me away with nothing as I had gone months with no treatment, no help, no hope and so he agreed to try me on a drug called Letrozole (also known as Femara) but I was only allowed three rounds as I had more rounds than normal on Clomid and you can only take these drugs for a certain amount of time before the side affects become to high a risk. I left gutted knowing that I needed to lose so much more weight, it’s not like I waddled into the room, I was a healthy UK size 16!! I also found out it was an 18 month waiting list for IUI (similar procedure to IVF but without egg retrieval) and 2 years for IVF, how on earth was I supposed to wait that long? A month’s cycle felt like a year. I needed to be a mummy now, 18 months was going to kill me! At least I had a new drug to try, something to give me back that hope and the referral for IUI would be back dated to my date of referral from the previous hospital (October 2012). The doctor was confident that I would fall pregnant on my own if I lost the weight. I have always had a gut feeling that drugs wouldn’t be enough – but who was I to question the professionals!

I continued on with my weight loss with a lot of support particularly from work mates and friends who would offer to come to fitness classes, go out a walk or run with me or eat a healthier meal at lunch or dinner to help reduce temptation and this was so helpful especially in the first few months. My partner on the other hand has been no help in that department what so ever eating crisps, sweeties and takeaways when ever the mood suits him with no regards for his safety – as there have been times I have envisioned rugby tackling him to the ground for a bite of a Mars Bar! His defence has always been that I had to learn to resist temptation and he was helping me to get better at doing this but eating what I wanted but couldn’t have in front of me! This statement has never amused me, he is lucky I haven’t made him wear his takeaway! Yet! The first month I took Letrozole I had to attend an appointment to have a scan (internally) of my ovaries to see if any follicles were being produced and I was told it wasn’t looking promising as the follicles were small so not to get my hopes up as it seemed this drug was also not working. I was a little confused because something felt different. I was told however that my lining was good so if I was to fall pregnant they were really happy that the egg would have the right environment to implant – that was something to cling on to – excuse the pun! I got out the room and my partner asked how it went, “its not looking like it’s worked but I have a nice thick lining in my womb!” He kind of pulled a horrified face, then realised that this was a good thing and responded with a hesitant – “Go you!!!” Following the scan a lot of changes happened in my body and for the first time in months I thought, “This is it, I’m pregnant, I know it” – people say “they just knew,” and that was how I was feeling. I knew these changes were so different from anything I had ever felt before; I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. I remember going in to work and telling a work mate – “I think I might be pregnant!” – She asked how I knew and I said “I don’t know I just feel so different.” I then went for my day 21 blood test and for the first time since I had started all these drugs my progesterone level was 37…..a healthy reading was around 30 or over and previously my progesterone levels had been 0.5, 1.5, 0.2, so basically non-existent! 37 was another sign that maybe I was pregnant! The two week wait (the time you have to wait before testing) felt like forever! However, test day came and went – another BFN (Big Fat Negative for those of you not in the infertility world). I was broken…….I cried on the way to work, I cried at my desk, I cried on my way home, I cried whilst watching the TV and I cried myself to sleep – I was so sure, how could I be so wrong! Over the next few days I picked myself back up, brushed myself off and looked for the positive – at least I ovulated! That means there is a chance it could happen for the first time ever I am actually releasing eggs and I could feel the change in my body – I am no longer a constipated chicken!

Three rounds of Letrozole passed and unfortunately no baby and lots of tears but each round did cause me to ovulate so my body has the ability with a little help, however, it seems actually fertilising the egg is now the problem before me! As I mentioned before I had a gut feeling all along that drugs alone wouldn’t be enough. I have had no more drugs since the beginning of this year (2014) and I am due to be at the top of the IUI list once I get my BMI to 30 or below. Since my initial appointment last year I am proud to report that I have lost 2 and a half stone (34lbs) and my BMI is currently 30.1. I have 1lbs to lose before I go active on the IUI list and these last few lbs have been the biggest hurdle of all as I am so close – yet so far from the next part of my journey!
At the risk of being a jinx by saying this out loud – the same gut feeling I had from the start about drugs on their own not working, I equally had a gut feeling about IUI the instant I read about it in the leaflet I was given. Something inside of me said – “That’s what I need, that’s what’s going to work for us!” I don’t know where the little voice inside came from but it has been enough to make me keep fighting to lose the weight even during the times it has been refusing to come off. I am hoping to go active on the IUI list any day now so we can start treatment, I am excited for things to start moving forward, to have hope back in our lives again and take us another step closer to the possibility of being a Mummy and Daddy! Dear Past, thank you for all the lessons – Dear Future, we are ready!

The Story of a Constipated Chicken……

Before I met my Fiance (6 years ago) I already knew that I might have problems in the future with having children, but as us girls know, talking about babies at the beginning of a relationship is a huge no no and would cause most men to run a mile. But what happens when you embark upon a new relationship that you know is going well and you know that you have something wrong with you that could potentially affect the other persons future also? Knowing that you may deprive someone of something so life changing like having children of their own, feels like you are keeping a dirty little secret. So, I decided this was something I needed to tell him from the start so that I didn’t keep anything from him and feel extra guilty about it further down the line (if there was going to be a further down the line!). So, I braved the conversation with a boy I was just starting to really like, fully prepared that there may be a large man shaped hole in my wall once I had told him. Much to my delight and eternal appreciation his response was simply, “That’s ok, I choose you – we can cross that bridge together when we come to it – but I choose you with or without babies.” I fell in love in that instance. And for those of you reading this who know my partner, Yes – this is probably the most romantic and profound thing he as ever said, I don’t know where it came from and I’ve never seen that side of him again! (hahaha)

Three years later (and still together) I felt ready to look into my fertility issues further as I knew it may cause us some problems and maybe take us longer than normal to get pregnant. Movies and media have a lot to answer for with regards to how we think relationships look or how all the big conversations should pan out – they in no way prepare us for how these moments actually look. Movies will have us believe that at this moment you will look into your partners eyes and say – “Lets try for a baby” and they will respond with a huge smile and an over exaggerated “YES” and you will hug and music will play and boom – that’s it the baby making begins! Real life doesn’t happen like that – or maybe it’s just us? Our conversation was more along the lines of, “I think I want to go to the doctors and look into my fertility issues more.” He looked at me with a concerned face and I thought – ‘oh no, don’t freak out’……he seemed to be thinking…..then he responded…”I’ve hurt my back at the gym – if you give me a back massage we have a deal.” Seriously?!?!?!?……And so our journey began!

As mentioned in my previous blog it was then that I found out my minor fertility issues had become much worse and that I was going to need a lot more help. We were referred to our local fertility specialists in our local hospital where I attended appointments for around a year. The worst part of these appointments for me was that they sit you in the same waiting room as all the expectant mothers, excitedly waiting for their scans of their babies. This is a pretty sole destroying experience and one that never ceased to irritate me every time I was in that waiting room. Its not the pregnant women that I was annoyed at, they probably thought I was in for a scan too, but the fact that it hasn’t occurred to the specialist department that this is a little insensitive infuriates me…..these people are supposed to be clever! On a bad day – a day where you feel like your body is letting you down, a day where you feel like you are letting your partner down by not being a proper woman, a day where you feel useless that you can’t do something that a large percentage of people can do when they are drunk, a day where your heartaches and your arms feel empty, a day where you are sat in a waiting room waiting to be told what hasn’t worked again and what you need to do or not do to increase your chances, a day where your dignity is gone as you have to be examined and discuss some of the most private details of your body and relationship – Why would you sit me in a room full of happy, excited pregnant women? Why? This serves no purpose in my treatment except to turn whatever positive attitude I tried to turn up with and the fake polite smile I had on my face into an immediate dark cloud over my head topped with a feeling of uselessness, envy, jealousy and heartache and my smile would become burning tears at the back of my eyes that I would be using all my strength to hold in as the lump in my throat began to choke me. I can handle seeing pregnant women, its a normal part of life, but not in the waiting room where I wait to be told how unpregnant and un-impregnable I am!

So, one year of varying dosages of a drug called Clomid (50mg, 100mg, 150mg) and monthly blood tests to see if I had ovulated, I could no longer take that drug as it wasn’t working (all that timed sex and I wasn’t even releasing eggs) and I had also reached my recommended limit of being on a drug that can increase my chances of ovarian cancer. At this point I begin to see myself as a constipated chicken…I have eggs (which is a bonus), but I just don’t want to part with them!

I was then referred for a procedure called a Laparoscopy and Dye Insufflation. This is where they check if there are blockages in your tubes by inflating your insides and using dye and scans etc – not the nicest of procedures or the most comfortable, but the nurses were amazing and held my hand as the tears rolled down my face. My partner couldn’t make this appointment so I was in the room alone but the staff made me feel like I wasn’t alone and a good friend was waiting for me in the waiting room. This was a positive appointment in the end (albeit a bit sore) as I found out I had a healthy cervix – not something most women would be excited about but when everything has been negative for so long you will take any piece of positive news you can! I think my friend was both horrified and amused when I burst out the treatment room and announced to her and the waiting room, “I have a healthy Cervix – High Five!!”

That year had been filled with such lows with our fertility journey as everything had been one unexpected negative after another, at that point I had still been so sure that a small nudge from the drugs would have been enough, so every month when the test said negative and the bloods said no ovulation I was becoming more and more disheartened. We were then referred to the Assisted Conception Unit for more help and this is where the next part of our journey started. But I will save that for another day…..

Knowing Me – Knowing You

I am currently 3 years into my infertility journey of treatment however, I have known that I have “issues” for around 7/8 years, I just didn’t know at that stage exactly what was going on or how it would affect me. Like many people I sometimes indulge in trashy magazines filled mainly with nonsense and over exaggerations. Every now and again these magazines will include articles intended to teach us something new or raise awareness of issues we should know more about – I won’t lie, I used to skip over these articles to get to the juicy celebrity stories, shocking real life confessions or to par-take in quizzes advising me on what kind of human being I was or wasn’t. However on one occasion I came across an article interviewing 10 different women with something called PCOS – where each of them discussed their symptoms, how they found out they had it and how it has affected them. I felt instantly connected to over half of the women’s stories and knew that each of these symptoms on their own hadn’t particularly stood out to me as a concern but to see them displayed before my eyes collectively, connected to a fertility condition made my heart jump into my throat and it hit me “I think I have this!”

PCOS – stands for Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. The term polycystic ovaries describes ovaries that contain many small cysts (about twice as many as in normal ovaries), usually no bigger than 8 millimetres each, located just below the surface of the ovaries. These cysts are egg-containing follicles that have not developed properly due to a number of hormonal abnormalities. Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is also very common, affecting 5–10% of women. (http://www.verity-pcos.org.uk/guide_to_pcos/what_is_pcos).

That’s the fancy definition out the way – however it displayed itself to me in the following ways: no periods, darker hair growth all of a sudden, hard lumps almost acne like under my jaw area, weight gain in a short space of time that was extremely difficult to get off again, struggling with getting to sleep and skin tags – all extremely attractive things to happen to you, I’m sure you will agree! As mentioned before, each of these things on their own could be something or nothing but seeing this all mentioned together in the magazine article as symptoms, I thought – I need to go and get this checked out. I was known by my family to be a bit of a hypochondriac when I was younger causing much amusement when shows such as Casualty or E.R were on the TV. I would begin to display all of the symptoms of some unusual tropical disease and convince my parents I was dying because I too had a cough like the lady on the telly – so part of me was worried that I was reverting back to my 7 year old, over dramatic self but I decided to make an appointment anyways.

I asked to see a female doctor as my usual doctor (a man) was also the doctor who actually delivered me as a baby and had known me my whole life and for some reason it mortified me to talk about lady things with him! When I attended the appointment and told the doctor about my concerns there were two factors that seemed to really frustrate her – 1) You read this in a magazine???? 2) You’re not trying for a baby but you want tested for PCOS???? At that stage in my life I was a little less confident about my patient/doctor relationship dynamic – you know, the one where some doctors need reminded that they actually work for you!!! Anyways, I felt a little silly answering yes to both of her questions but surely that’s the whole point in these articles, to raise awareness and am I not allowed to know if there is a problem with my body before wanting a family? She huffed and puffed a little and then seemed to decide that she would humour me even though I was clearly wasting her time. She asked me to jump up on the bed and pushed around the bottom of my tummy – surely she can’t feel my ovaries through my tummy??? Then she took some blood, told me to phone back in a week for my results and sent me on my way. I was left thinking – what just happened there? Can they tell if you have cysts on your ovaries with a blood test? I phoned back in a week and got told, “Your blood tests show us that there are some hormone differences in your blood and the doctor has referred you to the hospital for an ultrasound in 4 weeks’ time.”

On advice I drank about 4 pints of water before my scan so that my full bladder would make my womb more visible and spent the whole journey there almost giving myself a UTI – I began to have hallucinations about peeing at the side of the road and when I arrived at the appointment and she moved the ultrasound over the bottom of my tummy I actually thought I was going to have an accident! As soon as she was done she said, “right grab the back of your nightgown and run to the toilet – I can see for myself that you bladder is ready for bursting!” This amused all the other patients waiting outside other rooms as I ran by in my nightie pants and socks. Advice – only drink the recommended amount don’t try to be an over achiever and impress them with your ability to be a camel – you are not a camel!

The results showed that I did in fact have PCOS and that was why I was no longer having periods as the slight hormone imbalance and cysts were causing me to no longer ovulate. This really upset me as I thought this meant I would never be able to me mummy, no one really seemed to explain what this meant in real terms but I tried not to show I was upset in case I made myself look like immature and over emotional – I wanted to seem grown up, like I understood what was going on – like when your friends first start talking about sex and relationships and you pretend you know everything because that makes you wise and mature for your age! They decided to try me on a one month course of a drug called Clomid to see if it would make me ovulate. My results a few weeks later showed that I did in fact ovulate and that Clomid would probably be the simple solution to my problem when I was ready to start a family. A huge relief – That was a close one – for a minute there I almost thought I was going to have infertility problems!!!!!!!!!!

Fast forward – 5 years later when I was ready to start a family – re scanned – Severe Polycystic Ovaries – low Estrogen – high Testosterone – non- existent Progesterone (so basically hormonally I am almost a man!) and I am now labelled as Infertile. I knew it!!!! – I knew deep down there would be more to this but I just trusted that they knew what they were talking about and it was ok just to leave it until the time was right. I don’t know if they could have done anything to stop it becoming severe or to stop my hormone imbalances causing me so many other issues over the years, but I suppose the moral of the story is – if you know yourself the way I knew me and the way I felt deep down inside, then don’t be scared to say something, ask for help, insist on being checked and ask better questions about how this is going to be monitored or controlled.

And so my fully diagnosed infertility journey began……..

Being an infertile – Sods Law

From a young age I always knew that more than anything I wanted to be a Mummy when I grew up.  Coming from a big family and a household where my parents fostered other people’s children there was always plenty nappies to be changed, babies to be fed and babysitting to be done.  I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a baby name chosen for my future baby girl or baby boy, I have no idea if other little girls felt the same way as me or if I was simply a strange child (most probably the latter) but pretending to be a mum was always on my agenda.  In fact, my poor younger brother was often subject to my bossiness/mummyness and I recall many occasions where my own mother would have to say to me, “Stop speaking to him like that, you are not his Mum, I am.” I could never understand this reprimand as I felt I was justified in my role as mother hen, it’s surprising really that he didn’t grow to hate me but would instead just role his eyes and do as I asked!

As I grew older, no matter what social group I attached myself to, I would always end up labelled “The Mummy” of the group through complete innocence on my part, this behaviour or personality trait was never intentional just simply a role that I would adopt naturally within a group dynamic. It used to bother me when I was younger that people always pigeon holed me as the mummy of the group as I was sure this just meant I was bossy and boring, but as I got older I almost embraced this reference as I realised in fact it didn’t have to be negative – it meant that maybe I was caring, soft, patient, sensible, reliable – all the nice images and traits we conjure up when thinking of a mother, this is what I now choose to believe although the bossy, boring part is most likely the more accurate description!

It is because of all the afore mentioned and every maternal bone in my body that it was in fact “Sod’s law” when I found out I was infertile. The hidden pessimist in me was not the least bit surprised that this would happen to me of all people and I can assure you the irony was not lost on me or my partner (who is more than perfect for the role of dad – his dad dance moves and bad dad jokes are blatant proof of that fact!) But, to be told your body doesn’t work and won’t allow you to do on your own, the one thing you swear you were built for, causes a wave of emotions that continue with you throughout the whole journey of trying to prove your body wrong. Sometimes the wave causes you to try to cope or just exist in the moment and tread water, sometimes I feel like I’m floating at peace and unsure of what I feel anymore; numb to the process, but every so often that wave drowns you in an absolute panic of envy, heartache, frustration, loneliness and despair at the crappy hand you have been dealt and you don’t know when and if you will ever be able to reach the top of the water and come up for air……for that reason I wanted to share my inconceivable journey – 2 infertility and beyond – in the hope that if someone feels like they are drowning, as I so often do, maybe they can find comfort in knowing you are not alone – I too fully understand the meaning of Sods Law!!!