Dear Future,

In October 2012 after a year of appointments and different dosages of Clomid I was referred to the Assisted Fertility Unit for further treatment. As mentioned in a previous blog the wait time between referral and appointment was a few months which felt like a few years but we waited patiently (as if we have any other choice). When we eventually got the letter through to attend the hospital in Glasgow there was criteria that had to be met including the fact that we had to have been together for more than two years. By the time we had our appointment date we had been together for over 5 years but I was slightly panicked at how we were supposed to prove this – I had images of staging photographs of our time together like the movie Green Card or practicing questions like the TV show Mr & Mrs in case there was a question and answer session at our appointment! I would find myself asking my partner ridiculous questions like what was my Grandmothers maiden name? What is my earliest memory? What was my first pet called? Just in case they came up at the appointment! For the record not one question was asked about us and our relationship at the appointment other than the cringe worthy private questions you don’t really want to share with anyone, let alone a stranger! I must also add when I am nervous I sometimes get the giggles so there have been times during these appointments where the doctor has asked a completely acceptable medical question that for some reason has caused my giggles to make a very unwelcomed appearance! I have had to shamefully ask (on two separate occasions) for this reaction not to be held against me or to be read as a sign that I am not mature enough to handle this process – I don’t mean to laugh, I don’t want to be laughing, I’m trying to stop the laughing, all the while – I’m still laughing!

The other criteria set that caused me concern was having my BMI under 35. I’m going to be brave here (braver than sharing my infertility woes) and reveal my weight as I feel other people in my position will benefit from the honesty, even though it scares me to reveal the one thing no woman ever wants to discuss. I am only 5ft 3 and have always struggled with my weight since I was in my late teens, which I now know is a symptom of my severe Polycystic Ovary Syndrome. I really struggle to lose weight but I put it on incredibly easily and before my appointment my weight had been slowly creeping up as I got older. When I received my letter I weighed just under 15 stone (210 lbs) – I was ashamed of myself and had lost a lot of confidence but it was so hard to lose the weight, I always gave up when nothing was happening. My BMI was 36.5 and I needed to get it down to 35 or below and so for the first time I really got my head down and started to change everything I was doing to get the weight off before my appointment. I would love to tell you I found a miracle cure or a tablet that made that happen but unfortunately it was all calorie controlled, balanced diet and exercise. By the time I got to my appointment I had lost the weight I needed to lose for the appointment and my BMI was 35!! However, when I got to the appointment a new policy had been passed in Scotland that women were now entitled to two rounds of IVF instead of one, which is amazing news but the BMI criteria had been reduced to 30. I was devastated and pleaded with the doctor not to send me away with nothing as I had gone months with no treatment, no help, no hope and so he agreed to try me on a drug called Letrozole (also known as Femara) but I was only allowed three rounds as I had more rounds than normal on Clomid and you can only take these drugs for a certain amount of time before the side affects become to high a risk. I left gutted knowing that I needed to lose so much more weight, it’s not like I waddled into the room, I was a healthy UK size 16!! I also found out it was an 18 month waiting list for IUI (similar procedure to IVF but without egg retrieval) and 2 years for IVF, how on earth was I supposed to wait that long? A month’s cycle felt like a year. I needed to be a mummy now, 18 months was going to kill me! At least I had a new drug to try, something to give me back that hope and the referral for IUI would be back dated to my date of referral from the previous hospital (October 2012). The doctor was confident that I would fall pregnant on my own if I lost the weight. I have always had a gut feeling that drugs wouldn’t be enough – but who was I to question the professionals!

I continued on with my weight loss with a lot of support particularly from work mates and friends who would offer to come to fitness classes, go out a walk or run with me or eat a healthier meal at lunch or dinner to help reduce temptation and this was so helpful especially in the first few months. My partner on the other hand has been no help in that department what so ever eating crisps, sweeties and takeaways when ever the mood suits him with no regards for his safety – as there have been times I have envisioned rugby tackling him to the ground for a bite of a Mars Bar! His defence has always been that I had to learn to resist temptation and he was helping me to get better at doing this but eating what I wanted but couldn’t have in front of me! This statement has never amused me, he is lucky I haven’t made him wear his takeaway! Yet! The first month I took Letrozole I had to attend an appointment to have a scan (internally) of my ovaries to see if any follicles were being produced and I was told it wasn’t looking promising as the follicles were small so not to get my hopes up as it seemed this drug was also not working. I was a little confused because something felt different. I was told however that my lining was good so if I was to fall pregnant they were really happy that the egg would have the right environment to implant – that was something to cling on to – excuse the pun! I got out the room and my partner asked how it went, “its not looking like it’s worked but I have a nice thick lining in my womb!” He kind of pulled a horrified face, then realised that this was a good thing and responded with a hesitant – “Go you!!!” Following the scan a lot of changes happened in my body and for the first time in months I thought, “This is it, I’m pregnant, I know it” – people say “they just knew,” and that was how I was feeling. I knew these changes were so different from anything I had ever felt before; I couldn’t help but get my hopes up. I remember going in to work and telling a work mate – “I think I might be pregnant!” – She asked how I knew and I said “I don’t know I just feel so different.” I then went for my day 21 blood test and for the first time since I had started all these drugs my progesterone level was 37…..a healthy reading was around 30 or over and previously my progesterone levels had been 0.5, 1.5, 0.2, so basically non-existent! 37 was another sign that maybe I was pregnant! The two week wait (the time you have to wait before testing) felt like forever! However, test day came and went – another BFN (Big Fat Negative for those of you not in the infertility world). I was broken…….I cried on the way to work, I cried at my desk, I cried on my way home, I cried whilst watching the TV and I cried myself to sleep – I was so sure, how could I be so wrong! Over the next few days I picked myself back up, brushed myself off and looked for the positive – at least I ovulated! That means there is a chance it could happen for the first time ever I am actually releasing eggs and I could feel the change in my body – I am no longer a constipated chicken!

Three rounds of Letrozole passed and unfortunately no baby and lots of tears but each round did cause me to ovulate so my body has the ability with a little help, however, it seems actually fertilising the egg is now the problem before me! As I mentioned before I had a gut feeling all along that drugs alone wouldn’t be enough. I have had no more drugs since the beginning of this year (2014) and I am due to be at the top of the IUI list once I get my BMI to 30 or below. Since my initial appointment last year I am proud to report that I have lost 2 and a half stone (34lbs) and my BMI is currently 30.1. I have 1lbs to lose before I go active on the IUI list and these last few lbs have been the biggest hurdle of all as I am so close – yet so far from the next part of my journey!
At the risk of being a jinx by saying this out loud – the same gut feeling I had from the start about drugs on their own not working, I equally had a gut feeling about IUI the instant I read about it in the leaflet I was given. Something inside of me said – “That’s what I need, that’s what’s going to work for us!” I don’t know where the little voice inside came from but it has been enough to make me keep fighting to lose the weight even during the times it has been refusing to come off. I am hoping to go active on the IUI list any day now so we can start treatment, I am excited for things to start moving forward, to have hope back in our lives again and take us another step closer to the possibility of being a Mummy and Daddy! Dear Past, thank you for all the lessons – Dear Future, we are ready!