From a young age I always knew that more than anything I wanted to be a Mummy when I grew up. Coming from a big family and a household where my parents fostered other people’s children there was always plenty nappies to be changed, babies to be fed and babysitting to be done. I can’t remember a time where I didn’t have a baby name chosen for my future baby girl or baby boy, I have no idea if other little girls felt the same way as me or if I was simply a strange child (most probably the latter) but pretending to be a mum was always on my agenda. In fact, my poor younger brother was often subject to my bossiness/mummyness and I recall many occasions where my own mother would have to say to me, “Stop speaking to him like that, you are not his Mum, I am.” I could never understand this reprimand as I felt I was justified in my role as mother hen, it’s surprising really that he didn’t grow to hate me but would instead just role his eyes and do as I asked!
As I grew older, no matter what social group I attached myself to, I would always end up labelled “The Mummy” of the group through complete innocence on my part, this behaviour or personality trait was never intentional just simply a role that I would adopt naturally within a group dynamic. It used to bother me when I was younger that people always pigeon holed me as the mummy of the group as I was sure this just meant I was bossy and boring, but as I got older I almost embraced this reference as I realised in fact it didn’t have to be negative – it meant that maybe I was caring, soft, patient, sensible, reliable – all the nice images and traits we conjure up when thinking of a mother, this is what I now choose to believe although the bossy, boring part is most likely the more accurate description!
It is because of all the afore mentioned and every maternal bone in my body that it was in fact “Sod’s law” when I found out I was infertile. The hidden pessimist in me was not the least bit surprised that this would happen to me of all people and I can assure you the irony was not lost on me or my partner (who is more than perfect for the role of dad – his dad dance moves and bad dad jokes are blatant proof of that fact!) But, to be told your body doesn’t work and won’t allow you to do on your own, the one thing you swear you were built for, causes a wave of emotions that continue with you throughout the whole journey of trying to prove your body wrong. Sometimes the wave causes you to try to cope or just exist in the moment and tread water, sometimes I feel like I’m floating at peace and unsure of what I feel anymore; numb to the process, but every so often that wave drowns you in an absolute panic of envy, heartache, frustration, loneliness and despair at the crappy hand you have been dealt and you don’t know when and if you will ever be able to reach the top of the water and come up for air……for that reason I wanted to share my inconceivable journey – 2 infertility and beyond – in the hope that if someone feels like they are drowning, as I so often do, maybe they can find comfort in knowing you are not alone – I too fully understand the meaning of Sods Law!!!
2 infertility & beyond 